The Secret Series - Alchemy, Murder and Snarky Laughs For Pre-Teens (and Their Parents) PDF Print E-mail
Written by Maria Gaura   
SANTA CRUZ ( January 2010) – The title of the first book in the Secret Series is … well … a secret. So is the identity of the author, the town where the story takes place, and even the names of the heroes.
The first page of book one warns readers to go no further, and hints at the dire consequences of doing so. But the warnings are so overblown, the writing so funny, and the artwork so off-kilter, that you keep laughing and turning pages, despite the prickle of unease creeping up the back of your neck.
The Secret Series, now three books and counting, may not appeal to young children. But it is precisely on-target for the skeptical pre-teen reader who pounces on inconsistency, delivers dead-on parodies of television infomercials, and can sniff out adult hypocrisy at twenty paces. That is to say, most middle schoolers will love these books.
The three titles currently on the shelves include The Name Of This Book Is Secret, If You’re Reading This, It’s Too Late, and This Book Is Not Good For You, all allegedly authored by one Pseudonymous Bosch.
The plot of the Secret Series revolves around the adventures of two oddball 11-year-olds allegedly named Cass and Max-Ernest. (According to Bosch, all of the names in the books are … pseudonymous.) Cass is a pointy-eared survivalist obsessed by, and prepared for, any number of potential disasters.  Max-Ernest is a brainy nerd who talks incessantly.
They've been exiled to the fringes of middle-school life, where they eat lunch with the other untouchables at the "Nuts Table", supposedly set aside for the kids with food allergies, but in reality a dumping ground for the freaks and geeks.
Our heroes' nemeses are, in ascending order: queen-bee Amber (the nicest girl in school) and her coterie of vicious friends; blustering school principal Mrs. Johnson; and a ruthless band of alchemists who will stop at nothing to obtain the secret of eternal life.
Amber and Mrs. Johnson must be endured, because that's the way school is. But the murderous Masters of the Midnight Sun must be stopped because … well, let’s just say that the plot quickly becomes convoluted, takes a lot of tangents, and doesn't always make complete sense.
In fact, while the plot delves into alchemy, synesthesia, the history of magic, the creation of the first “test-tube” human, child slavery, poop jokes and the narcotic properties of chocolate, much of the book is devoted to skewering the absurdities of the adult world.
Bosch takes hilarious aim at clueless parents, child psychologists, real-estate agents, self-help cults, fear of aging, and the marketing of popular culture to kids.
One of the funnier send-ups involves the Skelton Sisters - identical-twin pop-stars Romi and Montana - a ghastly  diploid hybridization of Paris Hilton and Hannah Montana. The Skeltons’ Disney-style marketing empire hawks everything from lip-gloss-of-the-week (Sweet’n’Sassy Lip Smoochies) and “Twin Hearts” sock monkeys to a legion of bedazzled fans.
Despite their wealth and fame, the sisters starve themselves to stay skeletally slim, (“We don’t eat,” Montana says, hungrily), and join the Masters of the Midnight Sun in a bid for eternal teen-pop stardom.
Even the evil and brilliant Masters of the Midnight Sun have their Achilles heel. Though they’ve come close to discovering the secret of eternal life, they’ve been unable to stop the aging of their hands, and must hide their withered claws beneath gloves.
The incongruous gloves have a certain deflating effect on our haughty villains.
“It’s rude to point,” a mom on a tram warns her child, a little too loudly. “For all you know, they have a skin disease, and have to cover their hands.”
There’s nothing particularly deep or philosophical about the Secret Series books, but they are a brisk, witty and entertaining read.
The Secret Series is published by Little, Brown Books For Young Readers, though, as the fine print notes, “(They’re Neither Little Nor Brown, But That’s Another Story.)”

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